I'm Back

Starting this again....feels a bit like an ex-boyfriend I have just gotten back together with. The guy I talked constant trash on to my friends. The jerk that I LOVED to hate. Yes. I am a backstabber. 2 years,and here I am. I missed you. I missed your honesty. Your mis-spelled words. your stupid posts about nothing. dear blog boytoy...your girlfriend is back. Lets take this slow.
If I hurt you...again and stop calling you..don't say I didn't warn you.

 

so small today

its a sunny day today.

in a perfect world
ardee, harry, and i could take a balloon ride 

but for today...it will be iron and wine

(playing such great heights) my kitchen,

a bowl full of sugar cookie dough

and dreams
my own little dreams

just so you know
 i think tomatoes are sick dont force one upon me
i have a swearing problem...ok...dont change me
i start things and dont finish them
 sometimes im scared i have adult a-d-d
what if im some weird form of autistic??
i have a picking problem
i like to bake cakes...even if i burn the s out of them i will frost them pretty
i dont pay attenton to detail
i want to live in a house made of krispy creams
animals dont like me...
i dont look at my bills..but because of beau i have stellar credit
i speed
i dont like minty gum...its like toothpaist...im a chid i swear
i can puke like nobodys business.its loud
that is all for now

dear santa
i want this pink kitchen
dont make me beg fat man
gimmie gimmie i need i need
(thats me doing bob/love bob)

(if you dont know who bob is we cant be friends)

im going private on my blog
too many creepers
if you want to read
send me your email and ill add you

the 'stupid duck face'
here i am doing the stupid duck face
thats what my space girls do right?
i leave these glasses everywhere
and i squint my way through life...i have a wrinkle now
because of my irresponsibility..its sad really
i am the girl that looses things
 and i hate putting damn gas in my car
i putter around on fumes, even tho i have a perfectly good
debit card in my wallet
 many times i end up walking... once i had to jump a fence
and i tore my shirt... i hated that shirt anyway
so it was worth it
im glad that i did that
beau hates that i do this..its just gas...fill it up right?
truth is..
i die a little bit inside every time i have to feed that damn thing

rUnNiNg FrOm My ImAgInAtIoN
I HAVE BEEN RUNNING THIS WEEK
DAY AND NIGHT I RUN 
TUESDAY I TOOK OFF AT DUSK
LEAVES  ON THE GROUND, CARS BUSY GOING HOME
MY LITTLE HOOD IS ALIVE AT NIGHT
MR MOON WAS JUST SHOWING HIS FACE
I LISTENED TO ALKALINE TRIO THE ENTIRE WAY
WITH MY HOOD OVER MY EYES HIDING ME, I PRETEND IM RUNNING FROM A KILLER
IS THAT SICK?
SADIE...WAS THE SONG I LISTENED TO
AND ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS 'THIS NIGHT IS PERFECT'
TODAY I GOOGLED THIS SONG
ITS ABOUT MURDER!-A GIRL CALLED SADIE WHO TOOK PART IN
THE MANSON FAMILY MURDERS.
IRONIC? HMMMMM...KINDOVE GIVES ME THE HEEBE GEEBEEEES
BUT I STILL LOVE THIS SONG.
AND RUNNING FROM PRETEND KILLERS

The lady bug and the bumble bee

melt my heart

(pictures by jessica at romabeephotography.com)

Tots and cupcakes....love them both

Its time
its been four weeks...and a few days
and im already so done with "after baby body"
beau says im being too hard on myself
but its time...and i feel ready to start
this morning i put my running shoes on for the first
time in a long time
and damn, they feel good
cant wait to start
i have about 15-20 lbs depending on how crazy i go
wish me luck
this mamas back in business
(the picture up top is my motivation picture)

i love her

this movie is one of my all time faves

makes me want to

kidnap gnomes

and do bad things to my neighbors

this october is
soup soup soup...i had a soup epifani and now all i want to do is buy chicken broth and throw crap in a pot.
-spicy corn chowder...orgasmic!
-tortelini
-vegtable stew
-broccoli cheese
next-chicken noodle
what else?? hmmmmmmmmm.....oh!! finished between a rock and a hard place, and i love aron ralston now (watch out beau)
it took me so many "i have to go to the bathroom excuses" to sneak away from the baby madness and read it in my bathroom. cant wait to see the movie 127 hours.
-finally freed myself from from my house and bought a double stroller...saved my mommy life man
-clothing that promotes love...bought a tee that says love me or leave me...and an amazing grey sweater that says i heart u...i dont know why, they just spoke to me
ponyo-arden watches this every day and its amazing!
amelie-i "amelied" my bangs and i love them...thinking of going as amelie for halloween
cupcake madness-threw ardee b and a few "big kid i can handle frosting" friends, a halloween decorating party..it was very cute
moustache-bought a fake one...because it was amazing...i will wear it when i make soup, freak out my kids
the office-now on season six we watch it after babies are fast asleep. ok...im the biggest geek now..my life is THIS COOL: I DREAM UP SCENARIOS OF THE OFFICE. THATS WHAT I DREAM ABOUT! LAST NIGHT I DID THE PILOT EPISODE AND MADE UP A BIZZARO WORLD JIM AND DWIGHT. loser emily, loser :)
showering at 11am-yep thats right, i piss my mornings away...ummm....nursing, cleaning up poo, and washing crap. its actually good, just godda stay "new mom positive" and remember that they grow so fast and soon he will be swearing at me and not coooooing and smiling in his sleep :(
MILK-because i am the nursing milk goddess again and i love it. i love freaking people out and just busting out the boob and puting him on...might i say Harrison is a pro...had a "weird birth" but at least  i got my milk

 

mr. Harrison
my little man
one month old and one day today
i am so in love
so happy
so blessed to have him

me

its been two weeks

four days...

and i feel like emily

plus two

its amazing the feeling of being a mother

they both sleep in my bed

harrison nurses and sleeps wrapped in me all night

arden hates this a little

days are strange

is this my october?

is this my life?

things have changed

i have changed

and nomatterwhat

i am still

emily

last night i drove fast in my car

alone

that volvo never felt so good

and yeah...i listened to the pixies

i was on

the freeway

pushing 90

and all i could think of was

my journey as me

today i feel

ready for whatever life decides

to throw at me.

 a timeline of events
five days that changed me forever

14 hours into labor at the birth center

getting into the tub...

slow breaths

mysery sets in, the hard part... i will never forget this wall

holding my mothers hand

after the transfer at the hospital 26 hours into labor

the first picture of my son

me all puffy like (felt huge) 

arden meets harrison

the beautiful face taken from my hospital bed

 the last picture taken..

me and my reward right before

we took him home to stay 

september 24th 2010

Harrison Beau a birth story 
I have been contemplating...if and how i wanted to tell the birth story of my son. because it is so special so sacred i write it to them in the words of a mother speaking to her child. i will tell it to you now in an edited blog sort of way.
sunday september 19 2010 was a sunny day.we went to church and i spent most of the three hour block rocking in the mothers room. i made a special dinner for beau, arden, and i...goblets filled with cranberry juce and all (an emily fave) i rested and we stayed up late watching office reruns(our new thing)around 11pm i started having very strong rushes. all night they came steady and strong. i walked my little house, swaped beds... and even tried the couch for a bit.
4am
im timing them...i write in my journal...THIS IS IT I AM IN LABOR
and tell beau "honey your not going to work tomorow"then i call my mother so she can drive from idaho.i listen to my Hypnobabies and i rock on my birthing ball. but moastly, i held arden. the last day with just me and my baby girl. it brings tears to my eyes as i write this...
beau makes bacon and toast. i guzzle cranberry juice. we get our last minute things together.
bag for me: my little red suitcase filled with swim suit, candles, striped night gown, sox, red robe, brush,hypnobabies bag and cds, and my godsend: the rice bag that i sewed backwards last christmas and never gave as a gift.

10 am my parents arrive, i decide to take a bath a mermaid bath with arden. i do her hair, i do my hair. i pace the halls and call my midwife. i am desperate to be checked...to know if i am dialated to anything! soon after we hit the road. my parents behind us, arden in her seat, and me in the clouds...on a hypnobabies high. i remember staring to the east at the mountains and not feeling a thing, hence the hypnobabies.

Around 12 noon we arrive at the birth center. we check in and the midwifes check me. im dialated to a proud three! i feel good, and i need food asap. we leave and i decide i need salad bar like  a normal person needs air...lucky for me sizzler is down the street. arden betty ordered a steak...that was the only funny thing about lunch that day.GOING INTO TRANSITION IN A SIZZLER IS NOT FUNNY, IT WAS HELL. i got my salad, with a million peas on top. and for some reason...i knew to eat my desert first...and i did. then, i walked around the sizzler with a rice bag (almost out of warmpth ps) on my lower back. i walked out the emergency exit, and paced around the building. people stared, a fat strange woman bragged at how "quickly HER babies came right out" -thanks lady :) finally i asked for a go box and stuffed an apple and an avacado in it, and we left in a hurrrrrrry! did i mention i said the eff word in sizzler?? yeah.
 we get back to the birth center...and im in full on labor pain. i lie on the bed and beau lies behind me. hypnobabies plays all around and beau actually fell asleep-thats what he did in hypnobabies class so i wasnt shocked at all.

soon after i decided it was time to switch things up...i walk, i pace, i ask them to check me. im at a five,and that means i can get into the birthing tub. so...i put on the blue suit and get in the warm water of that blessid tub. by this time, the rushes were comming on stronger then ever, and i needed a "hypnobreak"-beau put on the Newamsterdams, and i cried a little when the song Full Thunder moon came on. the lyrics have always made me think of a mother and her child the part when they sing "your mothers blood"almost made me lose it (find this song and listen to itits beautiful) i was so emotional and a little bit afraid. people were comming in and out. my best friend anna, my mom, and beau. they held my hand and they talked me through the pain. a while later the midwifes took my temperature, and checked the babies heartrate, and they said i needed to get out of the tub...switch things up because he was up and down.
thats when the hardest part of the day set in. the sun is going down, and beau is begging me to eat and drink. i remember eating a small bite of an apple, and having him offer me the sliced up avicado. i was in the zone and reluctant to touch food. i got on my hands and knees and rocked on the birthing ball. my rice bag was glued to my back. whenever it got semi cold, i'd threw it to anyone in reach and begged them "only 40 seconds" because a minute seemed way to long to go without it.
later on: i have no idea of the time, its dark out. my dad is worried. everyone is pacing the floor. beau offers me a sugar babie, and i bit his hand....sereously i did!my mom holds my hand and i have a pool of sweat all around me, and tears running down my cheeks. when is this going to be over? i have hit "the wall" as they say.  i felt like a prisoner in my own small body. i remember saying outloud that i wanted to just run down the street screaming in the darkness. images of me alone in an alley way actually comforted me. i wanted to be alone. like an animal would.it is stil so amazing to me how primal and animal like i became. holding composure was not something i could have done.

8:00PM they put me on a fetal monitor, babies heartrate is all over the place. my rushes are strong and still im at....four minutes apart. i have to stay still...for almost an hour...and it was torture! i just needed to hold tight to my husband and sway in his arms.
9:00PM 22 hours into labor. i have had no drugs and i feel like ive come undone. when the midwifes check me and tell me im at a seven, i feel a small sense of hope...that maby he will be here soon and that the pain will end. thats when they tell me "the news" i have been at a seven for two hours and if im not at at least an eight by ten pm, i have to transfer to a hospital because i am not progressing. (something i didnt know about before hand) so, i am terrified. i get into the tempid tub and my father, my husband,and my father inlaw give me a blessing. i feel the spirit in the room so strongly, and i know what is going to happen.
10:00PM i am still at a seven. my hopes are fading fast, but i am ready to leave. it has been 23 ours of drug free labor and i am ready to see my son.
The sad part was gathering my things. i walked and rushed in the parking lot. arden was asleep. i stood on all fours in the frontseat of the car and i cried.
we checked into a nearby IHC and a kind nurse lead me back to a room. i was sad to put on a hospital gown. a few minutes later a short,dark curly haired doctor came in and i begged him "please dont cut me, please give me a chance"through tears. i looked thatman straight in the eye and pleaded my case like a man begging for his life. it was sad.
they put an iv and a fetal monitor on me, and i watched that machine and "contracted" from ten thirty till six in the morning. my nurse was sweet. she had hopes for me, she cared. my family and my best friend stayed till 4:30 am, i had to beg them to go home and rest.beau slept, and i watched and watched. finally, six thirty and im dialated to a ten!-amazing, unbeleveable! so they "let me" push...little did they know, i was pushing hours ago at an eight. i push, i push, i stick my chin in my chest and i breathe...and push more. a cute girl called emily holds my leg, beau holds the other.(all i can think of is i used to be a cute girl called emily) my hair is wet, its wavy,and i look like something out of the jungle. i even pooped a little beau tells me later..
the doctor, this nice strange, kind, and hopefull man..soon tells me "your pelvic bones never moved, you are this much apart" and he holds his fingers in a peace sign. "your baby is not going to come out"-im crying for the 100 time and im still pushing...im still full of fight. the last thing i said was "ok wait, how long is recovery after a section...i dont even remember anymore" beau has that on tape, and its a little sad.
before i know it im being rushed down a hallway, peoples eyes are on me, i imagine what i look like to them. they pull me into a brightly lit room, and people are rushing everywhere. i am not numb, and i feel the need to remind them of this constantly. it seems like hours, nothing is set up and my entire body is shaking. beau kisses my forehead. i feel like im on an episode of E.R. or something.i remember looking up into the bright lights and thinking i would rather be anyone else in this room then me. i dont remember much after that. the doctor asked me if i feel anything and i say no. i dont feel the tug all the way i remembered it with arden.i am in a state of shock and my body is giving up. its a tuesday morning and all this began sunday night. and then i see HIS FACE, his beautiful face and a small cry as they hold him over the blue screen.  he is perfect and...yes my son is beautiful.doctor said something to the effect of 'you would have never gotten him out, hes a big boy" 6:59 am Tuesday morning and 32 hours later. 
a small time passes by, and they bring him to me. Harrison Angel...that is what i call him. he never cries. his eyes are dark and mysterious and he looks like his daddy. our stay in the hosoital is suprisingly blessid. i slept, i ate good food, and i rested.
it has almost been two weeks today that i gave birth to my little son, and i feel so blessed. i feel healed.
THIS BIRTH TRULY WAS MY HEALING BIRTH. it didnt go as "planned" but it came as god would have it. i went through hell and i would do it ten more times for my son. i feel over my hate and anger about hospitals. its like god knew my little body couldnt do what it needed to do, and so he blessed me with an angel child. he is amazing, and truly a gift. god was with me the entire time, and i never lost faith, i knew whatever happened was in his hands. i know my heavenly father sent harison to me for a reason. he is my sweet little son and i love him so.  

i love these shoes

the mr. bought me a pair for my birthday

Toms loves my fat pregnant feet

i want every color of the rainbow

speaking of rainbows...

have you seen the Demetri martin bit where hes like

"how can one group claim refracted light...its pretty greedy gays"

i love that also

so ok....im 27 years old and last night i cried about it on my couch

my husband watched awestruck...at his "9 year old wife"-sereously i am

a kid in the vans store called me "maam"

and i wanted to punch him in the throat

just a little bit :)

on a happy note...we ate mexican food and it was good

today miss baby went for a play date

i forever 21-ed it a little bit and sat in barnes and noble with

a LARGE starbucks rasberry vanilla italian soda.

it wass nice/soothing/theraputic

read birthing from within-very good book

i would like to end this rant with a bit from "hide your wife"

my u-tube fave at the moment (thank you carly)

''he's climbin in yo window snatchin yo people up hide yo kids hide yo wife"

go watch it this second.

it was the background song of all my dreams last night

amazing

and one day passes....
im now on baby watch, my due date came and went yesterday...and im still alive...
beau calls me all day from work "are you in labor"
hmmmmm...just peed my pants a little, always contracting, but not much else..the nights are long. i wake up and i eat pie... i love pumpkin pie right now...and it loves me back.
every night i go to bed thinking "is tonight it?" and i pray...please make everything go well.
Cought a cold so thats nice...i'll be the nasty woman on you tube naked and screaming in a birthing tub (with snot running down my nose) my friend elle brought me a bunch of homeopathic medicine to mix up in tea. i carry a cup of rasberry tea with me all over the house, and eat chewy vitamin -c like candy.
set up the crib, even tho i know we will barely use it. arden gets in it, i want to get in it too...it looks so comfy amazing inside. beau painted our old rocker a pretty tothpaist blue and my friend sewed a red cushon for it...gearing up for marathons of NURSING. what else?? My red suitcase is packed...kindove...what do i pack? i always pack stupid crap. maby i'll just throw in a box of twinkies, a bikinii top, and a hypnobabies cd. cant go wrong with that right?

have a bang trim scheduled for tomorrow, and a babysitter (love ya anna) set for thursday night (the day i damn turn 27....SICK) so doubt im going anywhere.

we will just have to wait and see.  for now...PRAY I DONT POOP IN THE TUB, I CANT HANDLE THAT...

miss baby started ballet this week

             and  it was precious.

countdown
I am due in five days. i can feel a change in him inside me. his movements have grown, and my pressure waves are stronger then ever. my nesting instinct kicked in and im feeling ready. saturday i washed all his clothes and set up his new little basanet. i remember the day i washed all of ardens clothes before she was born..holding up little onzies, smelling them and imagining the little one who would soon fit inside them. beau painted our rocker a pretty toothpaist blue and my friend is sewing a red cushon to match...it will be amazing. i have not set up  a crib yet...because im a big co-sleeper/night nursing kind of mommie. its been an adventure. i have had an amazing pregnancy,and i feel very blessed. i feel good, huge, but good. every night i waddle to the fridge and guzzle milk. for some reason....milk has been so delicious to me during this pregnancy. hopefully baby boy will drink milk after hes done nursing (arden refuses milk...she was too used to my breastmilk) funny thing is that in the wee morning hours i pee a million times, and just this morning i realized i look like E.T. walking to the bathroom breathing loud, wearing beaus underwear (nice hu) i was on the pot laughing at the sad sight of myself :) five am


      Hypnobabies has been my solace all of these months. arden and i take hypnobabies naps each day, and they are amazing. they clear all of my fears of childbirth. i have moments of insanity when i say to myself "no drugs em?....sereously??"and then i listen to my cds...and I REMEMBER WHY I AM DOING THIS. after im done i feel at peace, and i feel reassured that my birth plan is the right one for me. i know it s gunna hurt like hell, but i feel comfort in knowing my baby will have a peacefull spiritual birth.
   I think we know his name....but nothing is for sure. i need to see his little face and hold him in my arms first. then, we will know...sorry i wont say yet!
    Today i feel good. i feel ready. i woke up and took a long bath and did my hypnobabies surrounded in bubbles and a beautifull baby bellie :) arden slept longer today because of the track playing in the bathroom beside her room. i think i might go buy a sling...or look at fabric to make my own. for sure just spend so much time with my little girl before crazy newborn life sets in! she starts ballet tonight, so that will be something fun for to do. beau and i took her to park city last night and bought her more clothes then we ever had. she deserves it. right now, big changes are comming in her little world. she is watching hello kitty in her new zebra jammies, and my heart is a little bit sad..because i know that this is an end of an era in our life. me and my bestfriends used to quote Hope floats and say "beginnings are scary, endings are sad, but its whats in the middle that counts"-today this gives me much comfort.

Mommy  days

my three year old sucked my hair up in the vacum today

pretty much explains the story behind this picture i just finished.

i used watercolors and a little glue to make her

-we were at the car wash...and me in all my nine months pregnant glory is attempting to

clean the cheerio mess car up  (before baby comes)

im hot and sweaty, and arden sucked my hair up with the big power vacum.

it was...pretty "awesome"

the one good thing i will say about the carwash, is that arden and i love it

we listen to clap your hands say yeah

every time,and pretend monsters are getting us.

she really brings out the three year old in me.