purses and bellie dancers

this is me right before i flashed an entire restaurant. one second more and the moment would have been captured forever.

i need a new purse. so after looking everywhere i atually googled "purses that dont suck" or "interesting purses" then realised that suck is a bad word to tipe on this internet thing. so far ive been to a million stores, and im not impressed. i dont need some freek nasty bag with bling on it and a silver poodle. juicy hu? more like made in china by barefooted dirty faced orphens. those purses belong on music videos held by girls named baby girl or baby phat. oh lets not forget the "mom bags" either ......how do you say dried up like a prune? and im not talking about the big bulky ones either, storage is good every mom will agree...im talking about those diaper bags the ones that have winnie the pooh and other characters ment for small children...NOT GROWN WOMEN. i dont understand these people. when you buy a bag like this dont even bother to get ready for the day, you bag says it all it says"dear world i no longer care and i watch winnie the pooh all day long in my pjs"i feel like creating my own purse. IS THERE ANYTHING DECENT AND NOT LAME OUT THERE? ARE YOU THERE GOD ITS ME EMILY" oh wait thats margret. so jeez what else can i rant about? oh i know, i g- flashed about 15 or so people at my friends birthday party this past weekend. yeah not cute, not for a second was this cute. so we are at the cedars of lebinon??? yeah, this amazing little place downtown. jacob from twilight was our server and yes there were bellie dancers. we ate lamb and all this weird lebinese crap ( that was amazing by the way) well, the bellie dancer lets us join in and dance for the entire restaurant. and the heat is on, were dancing, and being "sexie" yeah thats when i took it a bit far and did a little twurl. ......and the entire place saw my silky garmet goodness with a getto booty in tow. thats the second i died. i dont like to be seen naked. i dont like being exposed. i shrugged it off, but relly i was shuddering inside. to me there is nothing worse.

in closing i just want to say that every purse desiner in this universe sucks,but tonight im going to go searching again. maby somewhere there is a little diamond in the rough waiting for me to ruin and spill crackers all over inside because thats what i do. never lend me a purse.

som crazy emily journal art for your viewing pleasure.

heres a good one....so....yes its weird. thats the point!!! being cut open is weird guys. i painted this little sweet thing on the day i found out about c cections. my friend carly best explaned them to me by having me lie on the floor. then she shook my little pregnant body. it was accurate...id say. thanks carly. ( jess if your reading this, its for you)

take me to jail deush bag......yeah i have a problem with swearing lets be honest with ourselves ok. thie piece was made for damon my brother inlaw when he went to jail. its me....in his shoes....yup, i went once.....but thats a funny storie that i'll tell later. "what i need is a good defense cuz im feelin like a criminal" -go fiona apple.

vanity...ive always worried im consumed with things that dont matter like clothing lables and makeup...and STUPID CRAP THAT I DONT NEED. this was my little declaration to the world saying "im not going to buy into it" sadly, as women there is so much pressure to be "pretty" sereously f pretty. im gunna go roll in some mud.

so this ones about the day i threw taco soup all over our kitchen floor, it was a sunday.....a bad one....and i had no words to tell beau how mad i was at him.....so i threw a hot pot of soup on the floor. it felt good. sometimes in order to release you just godda throw something. funny thing is today i have no idea what the fight was about.

this is the day i spent 8 hours in a salon to go blonde.....it was bad....i'd ruined my long dark locks......like a trator...to be a "barby" the next week i got fired from my job....i think its cuz i didnt look italian anymore. i looked like cat pee girl.......and i felt like cat pee girl.

lets be blunt

so................i freeked out and got blunt bangs last night. its something ive wanted for a while but wimped out on when i got to the salon. ive tried them before and damn, no one could get it right! so i did it myself when i was blonde and it was....fugly. forgive me for my potty mouth, but thats the perfect word for how my hair looked. i have the tendancy to mame myself. i just cant sit still when it comes to my hair. oh and i dont have a "hair girl" as you utah chicks call it. no, i go allover. the iranien woman who cut my hair two summers ago tried the "blunt" bangs on me and cut them thee exact opposite way of what i asked for. she just did her thing......so i painted a picture for that experience....its called Black magic haircuts suck and they dont work(its the one up top) so guys....heres one small art piece. oh, and the one im standing behind in the picture is mine too...its called Drounding past regrets in tea and cigarettes. (dont ask)

today my hair looks like a football helmet, but im happy. i cant beleve the girl heather..... hayley...... whatever got it right!!! yeay for me...i have blunt bangs and now im cleopatra.

the arcimboldo effect

Wow its been a while, i have not blogged in a bit. much of my time has been given to my art. i just painted a new piece and i think im headed into a new era in my art. my style has changed.you know how picasso had the blue era?? yeah im sure im into something new myself. maby its a little bit happier? but dont worry, its still weird. im debateing weather or not to post any art on here or to wait for my art blog. this blog just sometimes feels like the day in day out mundanenes of life, and i hate that. ive been writing every day, and recording all my dreams. last night edward from twilight was biting me and turning me into a vampire. the night before, beau was gay and i could fly? i know right. dreams are amazing. i love looking them up in my trashy little paper back dream dictionary. the writers of this book are so full of shit, but i love it. if i think hard enough tho i can figure out my own dreams. once i piece together pieces of my day and dig into my true feelings, i will know exactley whats going on. the trouble with me and dreams is i always have a conscience even in my sleep. well, except......i smoke in most of my dreams. dream emily loves a good ciggarette. I HAVE NEVER SMOKED ANYTHING. i cant even spell cigarette right. but for some reason its what i do at night, and damn can i tell you smoking feels good:) and its addicting.

ok, enough ranting......in the real world i started teaching an art class. monday was my first day and i wass recieved well. two days a week i will teach kids to release there emotions through art. i loved every second of this class. art is my calling in life! it made me sad when they ask me if they could draw this or that. i stopped all of them and said listen up you guys "IN ART THERE ARE NO RULES" they loved this. for my first lesson i talked about GIUSEPPE ARCIMBOLDO. hes that amazing french artist who painted pictures using fruit and flowers....stuff like that. follow? i'll poast some pictures. so i had a platter of fruit for the kids to look at. some kids made junk food faces others stuck with the fuit. i drew a hamburger face, and the kids loved it.all in all it was so fun!! in the end i had each child describe what they did and why ( a mini critique if you will)and i had them applaud for eachother.and i let them eat all the fruit!! for my next class i think we will get messy. im not sure how, but i've got endless ideas and i cant wait to unleash them on the kids. i told beau im gunna be like crazy miss lippe from billy madison. you know the lady who smeares the glue all over her face and has special time? yeah thats me. crazy.

CHESTER AND POOP

something we do, we talk about our future kids names. i think most people do right? yeah im not going to say any tho because of name stealers, but i will tell you something funny. tonight beaus sitting there watching scarred. you know that crazy show that plays all the nutso skateboarders gettin hurt jumping off rales and stuff (yeah we love this show) and beau goes "what do you think of the name chester for a boy?" and im like ..................................pause.......pause.........................think..........think...........think....................and then im like "are you FREEKING kiddin me babe?" and hes all "why???" and im like..........."um chester the molester" and then were both dying of laughter. its been a strange few weeks thats for sure!!! we finally got a few gifts bought for the people who matter most! moms and dads grannies and grandpas. but so far we havent bought much else. we are so blessed! we dont need a thing! sereously, we have enough crap as it is right?? arden got spoiled on her birthday, and has way more then most kids, so were being chill this year. yes dont creme your jeans santa is comming for arden, but were not going nuts on shopping the way we have in the past. this has been such a good month for us because were not worried about things that dont matter, like stuff!! its like "oh lets get summore stuff to fill our house, we need more stuff to waist our money on" sereously my heros are the couple who lived off of 30 dollars each for a month. YOU ARE AMAZING!! if the world had more people like you it would be a better place.
K so arden just got over the worst and weirdest sickness yet! have you herd of the roatavirus? its freeking disgusting. last week we were home every single day holding a bowl for her to puke in. or changing 18 butt urine diapers a day! it felt like we had a new born again because we changed diapers all through the night for days. she refused to eat, so we forced pedia light down her throat with a syringe. that and pedialight popcicles homemade with an ice tray and straws. thank you pedialight!! if it werent for this godsend, she would have been in the hospital with an IV. on the eighth day of the sickness i changed her diaper and found a teeny tiney little log! halayleuya! i started jumping up and down screaming " yeay baby you pooped a log yeay arde!!" and she goes "a frog?ribit ribit" so cute. i'd forgotten all about the frog thing when i went to change her again and i find another quote, "good poop" (only moms will understand this) and i yell "beau she did another log" thats when my little brown eyed sweetie pie looks up and says "yeay ribit!" what an angel. all along thinking i found frogs in her diaper. love it love it. im just glad i have my baby back. tonight shes unwraped the grandparents christmas presents and is currently begging for pizza because she snubbed her dinner. its pizza or "APPLE PIE!" she begs for. weird, she has never had apple pie. ok im done, goodnight moon, brushems teeth, an nurney are calling. good night.

my man

why not make my own shrine ???

I GOT TAGGED AND ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!!

Where did you meet? Beau and i met in idaho new years eve 99 for the first time. the second was 2002 and in provo utah! he looked older and hotter then ever! finally we met again in california!! i know right? we were so ment to be:)
How long did you date before you got married? we met in october then married in july. so ten long months of just wanting eachother forever
How long have you been married? five years this july!! feels like forever.
What does he do to surprise you? he sends flowers. like on our first date anniversary, or the "happy summer" boquet. that was super cute. he likes to buy me lingeree, we are big on that.
What is your favorite feature of his? do i have to just pick one??? beau has amazing teeth, his bicuspids are so sexie, almost vampire. then theres the little freckle on his bottom lip its perfect!! all in all amazing mouth. perfect for kissin!
What is your favorite quality of his? he has soooooooooo much motivation! when he says hes going to do something he does it. hes got amazing work ethic, and is a great provider.
Does he have a nickname for you? yup, he calls me Emfuss and i call him beauies in space. or sometimes beau the rose.
What is his favorite color? um im gunna say poop brown because thats funny. he looks good in brown
What is his favorite food? hands down cafe rio pork barbicoa boritto. hes into spicy foods and puts hot sauce on everything including pizza!! its weird and cute.
Whats his favorite sport? he likes watching football but rarely does.
When and where was your first kiss? our first kiss was smokin hot!! we were in this perfect little cove standing in the sand in laguna beach. he ask first and that was sweet.
Whats your faorite thing to do as a couple? we like to go to the beach together. the ocean is our favorite place on earth!
Do you have any kids? yes, we have a little sweety pie called arden betty. she looks just like daddy. were planning number two at the moment.
Does he have any hidden talents? yesssss......but im not gunna say because thats naughty.
How old is he? 27 and cute as a button.
Who said I love you first? I proudly did. it was on his voicemail, and i was driving to see him from california. i was like "i miss you, i love you!!" it was so innocent and cute.
What is his favorite type of music. well in the words of elton john, i married a music man! he plays his own and its amazing. he likes hard core punk music, emo, and acoustic stuff.
What do you admire most about him? his ambition in life. its unreal!
Do you think he will read this? yep he'll read it, not tell me, and then he will quote me! hes silly like that.
I now tag: Jessica potter, Ellen quist rowley, elle stallings, and sars bagley!

abee stinkin bums turns two!

Dats sum good tate mamma!$

And the party starts!!

And this one!!!

I love this one

Arden and Roman

Tada!! birthday ariel arrives!!

Thas it arden wrip it open!

My little arden betty turned two years old this weekend! what an event!! i sereously cant beleve my baby is two?!! its insane. Arden fell in love with ariel from little mermaid, so this was our theme. i decided on a two teared cake with ariel adorning the top! IT WAS FUN TO MAKE AND A LITTLE BIT CHEEZY. all week she threw tantrums for "ael tate" (ariel cake) and finally she hd her ariel! we got her birthday ariel and so far shes carried her everywhere with her. she wont let her out of her sight!! the best part of the night was roman and arden eating the cake shirtless. they are so betrothed to eachother:) cutest thing! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARDEN!!

ketchup on a roll

Here we are, Thanksgiving day!

This is tim and leta. tim+leta= my sexie husband. thanks folks.

the S.F.A.( beau and damon dubbed it the shaffer family association, and tagged it all over a condemed building in incom back in the day) S.FA. for life baby!!

This is not my shirt, and i look like such a "mom" here. we look like we've gone country.

This ladies, is damon. he has yet to "take a wife"

This is spence and shaunas family.they live in draper so we see them the most.

This is clobys and stephanies family. pour cooper kept rubbing his eys because of the sun

Its the day after thanksgiving. crazies all over are fighting over bread makers in wall mart. (yes i saw this happen once, it looked like your mom and my mom, only one had a black eye and the other had a bread maker for 50% off and an cazy look in her eye) im not big on black friday, but Thanksgiving i love. the night before beau and i spent a fortune on creme cheese to bake my amazing apple pecan cheesecake. we baked together and it was weird/cute/sexie!This year was the best we've had in a long time! my family from lousiana came to the little town of aberdeen and we all crammed into grandmas teeny little amazing house. my sister amber made bomb cheezy potatoes in her georgous eight months pregnant state. she even did the splits! (amazing) all the ladies gabbed on twilight and then everyone took "ugly pictures" aka the uglyest face you can possibly make and put it on film. good stuff. thats why i love my family! we are all weird and hilarious and crazy. my little bro is a georgous guy, but man he can make one ugly face. the entire day we let loose. i think we even pulled a brittney spears and put red creme soda in ardens sippy. oopsie! at least the kid ate that tho right?

The day before at beaus parents, leta (beaus mom) and i totaly bonded. we baked up a storm i tell ya!! pumpkin pies, bananna creme, and the famous cherry pie made by yours truly. im glad we did this. it was so nice, and she taught me a thing or two about pie crust. thank you leta!!

Our morning began with white shirts. back in beaus little home town we started the day with family pictures. my inlaws, the four brothers and the wives and kids gathered under the morning sun. we laughed and tried to fight the sun in our faces as we said cheese for the camera. the cutest pictures were of the kids all together.arden loves her cousins. katy and cassidy both four year olds, carry her around and play baby with her. she tried to escape after a while but was unsuccessfull. the dinner was great and the stories of childhood even better. beau and damon (his older bro) spilled the beans on "timmy" aka the made up little brother they said got locked in the basement closet his entire life. yeah, it was their way of freeking out the kids and having the tv room to themselves. kylee and cole are scarred for life because of good ole timmy.

I want to end this blog with a confession. I THINK TURKY SMELLS LIKE BUTT. i dont eat it and i never will. when i helped my mom put that raw naked fleshy bird in the oven, i wanted to barf. sereously, go see the ugly 100 year old turky at wheeler farm and you'll hate it too. so what did i eat? my classic roll dunked in ketchup meal. oh, and shitloads of pie. yes im a soda hater and i even downed a coke. (yeah it was delicious and totally worth it) godda love that "liquid satan" well well well, my party time is not near done. today its birthday shoppin, cake making time. because guess what?? my little one turns two tomorrow! happy thanksgiving,word to your mutha.

a little bit of emily

Lets be honest shall we? being a S.A.H.M isnt easy ladies. nope any one that tells you it is has never experienced it for themselves. talk about time to think. im not your tipacal mommie tho. i cant stand being at home all day, i have to get out. i have to experience life and i have to be myself. yes i take pride in cooking for my man, and washing his clothes, but i also know that my life would be empty if i didnt leave room for myself. to grow as an individual and to be emily the person. not just the mom or the wife, but to be myself. so wonder where im going with this? here is how i stay sane. ATTENTION LADIES! so heres a little secret of mine, its called fighter. and its by christina agelera. lets just say i save this song for the gym. i would feel retarded listening to it in my car. its just not my kind of music. but in the gym, when i need to let out frustration, i wil sprint not jog to this. ive had girls look at me like im wonder woman when im running to this song. at the end of the song she goes "i am a fighter, i aint goin stop, there is no turning back now" yeah that part is the best. i can burn like 500 calories listening to this part. i think of anyone or anything thats got me down, i think once i even threw a punch to thee air during this part. good stuff ladies. this song makes me tick, and when im done i have crazy amazing endorphins, and i feel happy about where i am in my life :) sooooo....thanks christina.

Ok so what else? i paint. yep. its my calling in life. i paint on my bathroom floor. monday night i freekexd out and spent money i didnt have on canvas. i actually painted a picture of nurney. (see old poast)and i listened to bjork hyperballad, the best song ever for creating!!in the end i threw glitter all over it. a first for me. ive been painting for eight years and an artist for life. my art has helped me in so many ways from being heart sick, or feeling pure joy! your probably wonering why i dont poast it hu? well thats the exciting part. im creating an art blog as we speak.tonight im going to provo, and my friend rafell ( a genious graphic designer chick) is helping me. we are meeting in a studio and photographing all my art. im so excided i could burst!! thanks rafell!

next up....books. i prefer books i can relate too in my own situation. yeah i had a twilight craze, like every other utah chick!! ( and my honey suprised me with tickets for opening night- so excided!) but the books i wanna tell you about are hillarious! Risa Green wrote two amazing books that im in love with: Notes from the underbellie and Tales from the crib. you will die of laughter. any mom who has a good sense of humor will appreciate these books. i would stay up half the night laughing! after arden was asleep for her nap, i'd RUN to my book. i love them because she tells it like it is. like her mommie and me group, she calls the perfect moms momunists like (comunists) not to mention the part when the baby craps up her onzie in the grocery store and she has no diapers! yup ive been there. so yeah, these books made me happy. i think i could even read them again soon. go read them. they will for sure brighten your mom day:)

fourth, never underestimate the power of girls night out. sereously ive been doing this for a while now. and its much needed! just me and my friends, talking and laughing. last night me and some girls went to this perfect little bakery in the avenues and ate the most amazing and delicious deserts. girls night is way theraputic. our conversation was hillarious ( sara bags your amazing) i come home and im way happy and giggly. sereously girls, friends are a must. a good friend will always be there to lend a helping hand or to lift your spirits. i have amazing girlfiends and to them i owe a thanks! thanks girls, love ya!




Last but not least....we escape. arden and i go to discovery gateway a few times a week. she loves it and thats enough for me. this place is a god send! last week they had mickey and minney mouse...and arden freaked out. bolth of us meet friends, and we leave ready to crash. soooo good for her and so so good for me.

well, thats it, these are things that make me happy and things that keep me sane. a little bit of me. a little bit if Emily.

me? you godda be kiddin.

well well well..im pretty much doing this blog for anna.....let her get another good ole laugh. laughing is good. so, for the past four years i have had a number of callings. i started out in young womens and loved every single second of it! movie nights, pedicures, gossip, and ice cream. man i miss all that teen anxt! after arden was born i was moved into nurshry for about two years. nurshry was....how do i say this? um...hillarious?! yeah it was. fights and blocks and snack time. lets not forget that my kid went through a "fun" biting stage during the last half of my calling. here is me when parents picked up the kids; "he/she got bit...by that little bald one over there, whose kid is that anyway?" not mine!! so now, thats done with. we moved and now we have a great new ward. so far i have been "callingless" for a few months, until last week when i had a bomb droped on me. so they sit me down and i know its calling !and im thinking nurshry i know its nurshry!! in my head im seeing poopie pants and goldfish crackers, bite wounds....stuff like that. NOPE NOT EVEN COSE!!!! here we go.....i am the new ward corister! you know the lady who leads the hymns in sacrament meeting?what are they thinking? the building is going to go up in flames! ivins ward is doomed! the woman with this calling is supposed to be the mother eart tipe. shes supposed to sing like an angel and wear eccentric fairy dresses. shes supposed to be gracefull and angelic. i am none of these. i am weird and short,im clumsy, not to mention i laugh like homer simpson. insted of saying no like wanted too,i accepted my calling and had a good ole laugh. my husband was shocked. hes going to be so embarrased every sunday.anna said i need beads to wear in my fingers? what the?! now i think i need an entire new wardrobe. i refuse to not look hot up there singing onward christian soldiers. the way i see it is....if i cant sing and i dont know the arm movements i can at least look cute right? yeah more like big retard. im going to look like a midget up there. im going to die! im going to start dancing and maby do the solja boy. if i can remember how that lady did it on ellen once. in jr high i was in choir and i freeking sucked. im like the kid who locks her knees and passes out on the bleachers. i sing in my car and its bad....reel bad.its funny, and its not. im just going to have to look on the bright side! i get to pick the hymns and put the numbers up. i'll convince beau that all my clothes are ugly and that i need to look "appropriate" for the job. goodbye emily hello mother earth.

SAY CHEESE!

THIS IS OUR LITTLE SHAFFER FAMILY! WE FINALLY GOT OUR FIRST PROFESSIONAL FAMILY PICTURES TAKEN. ARDEN WAS HARD TO TAME...TWO YEAR OLDS HAVE NO TOLERANCE FOR THE CAMERA! HALF THE TIME SHE HAD THIS STUPID KNAWED ON APPLE AND REFUSED TO PUT IT DOWN. BUT THE DAY WAS PERFECT...AND IM GLAD WE DID IT BEFORE THIS SNOW. THESE PICTURES ARE SO PERFECTLY US. ITS AMAZING TO ME HOW MUCH MY HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER LOOK ALIKE! I DONT SEE ME ANYWHERE. JUST MABY HER PRETTY LITTLE BROWN EYES. GUESS SHE GOT HIS LOOKS AND GOOD SENSE....... AND MY SASS(NOTE SHES PULLING THE HEADBAND OFF IN EVERY PICTURE) THANK YOU JESSICA FOR THESE WONDERFULL PICTURES! SO MUCH FOR THE STRAP! IM NOT BIG ON THESE

HERE WE ARE KEEPING ARDEN STILL

I LOVE THIS ONE..ITS TOTALY CANDID!

THIS IS HALLOWEEN

So im officially heart broken. this freek is in mourning. my halloween is over. you know how people feel like crap the day after christmas? or on new years day? thats me on halloween. it is my favorite day...and damnit its over. I suppose because halloween is the one day a year when i can be my 1005% crazy self. i was going to be little red riding hood, but turns out she looked a bit whorish....so i opted for princess tigerlilly. my" hangover" is vampires blood induced..and thats the best kind.So....shall i tell you about the day? spent it baking up a storm and creating disgusting foods like carnage cupcakes and guacamoldy.i decked my house out in more cobwebs....and placed fake fingers and eyeballs in everything! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFULL I COULD CRY. We took our little pink fairy princess to our sweet ward trunk or treet party....and it rained a bit...not to worry guys cuz my gay neighbor thought i looked hot as an indian. so yeah for me, good times! too bad for him my date was a warewolf. The party was pretty amazing....our friends have great taste in costumes. When scott walked in as inspector gadget he had a halo shining above his head...he is my new favorite person because of his dedication to this sacred of holidays. among our crew we had herion bob and 80s punk rocker leah, a cop girl called sue who i told to"'DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT" yeah i think that freeked her out...i got one of those looks. suzie was a super model in training but i called her amy whienhouse all night. her hubby joel broke out in beautifull "drunk" robert goulea song magnificence!! love you joel...... go tony the sasage pino! dave held his head....and i swear he looked dead guys amazing! stephanie was the cutest fairy complete with baby bee ellwood at her side.beaus mask fell off and in the end he just looked homeless...love ya baby....im so turned on by guys who sleep in trashcans!! andi was a pixie and BEAUTIFULL. and yes we had a sara pailen! Ellie and her gorilla husband spilled the beans on her pregnancy(im so excited guys!! )What an eventful night. the party ended in fear factor. scott drank water from my fish bowl......and it was amazing. i think we owe him rusted sun pizza and a round of bowling for that one!!! (ALL BOBBYS FAULT DUDES CROSS MY HEART) ;) So, all in all good night. suzzy and jole were the last guests to leave, then i cleaned!! my house lookesd like a tornado hit it...i was ehaugsasted.this mourning...yes MOURNING! i pouted as i took down halloween and said goodbye to all my little weird decorations, im sad its over....... HAPPY HALLOWEEN TILL NEXT YEAR!!! R.I.P

our cake

september 29th. one of those days. one of those days you dont forget. nope not my wedding day, or a birthday. no,this day is even more monumental. this day is the day i fell in love with beau. five years ago and a midnight flight beau picked me up from the salt lake air port. i wrote his name in my sketch book like a 13 year old. boe? could it be bow? beau....yes this is it.....beau like beautiful. and that is exactly what he was. there he stood. my future, my everything. in a black bananna republic sweater and chuck taylors. i toted my red suit case and wore janells volcom shirt. that shirt will remain burned in my mind because of this night. he opened my door. and we ate midnight cake at a little cafe. white cake like clouds. we wrote poems for eachother. mine spoke of the freckle on his bottom lip. i gave him sea shells, i found in laguna. he held my hand. we skipped, actually i did, he trotted behind. i had never been inside hotel monaco so we went inside. "LETS PRETEND WE ARE ON OUR HONEYMOON" i said. and we did. we stole mini salt and pepper shakers from a lonely room service tray in the hallway. the next day i text him "i have pepper in my purse" Those salt and pepper shakers later ended up on our wedding cake. the end of our night was marked with our tradition. we climbed to the top of shiloh inn. there we looked out at all the bright lights and contemplated kissing. in the end, im glad we didnt. ( WE SAVED THAT FOR THE BEACH) i picked him flowers and ke kept them in his car for two years. i dont know why, but we were just so 100% comfortable with each other. like we remembered each other from another life or something! the rest is history. every year on September 29th we do this now. this is our day. this is our weird and beautiful beginning. this is for you beau. i love you babe.

BIG NURSER

wow. im gunna do this. lets talk about nurney shall we!! ellies gunna love this. for those of you readers who are saying "what the eff" ill let you in on my little secret. nurney as we call it is nurse mixed with nap. THERE I SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO FREE! and yet so chained to a wall. my Arden betty is addicted to breast feeding. its all she knows man. the second i held her i said to my doc "let me nurse her" and we did and we did it perfectly. when i was pregnant i hoped for two things 1. to have natural childbirth and 2. to breastfeed and do it well. well scnce doc barton was hell bent on being home for dinner by six i got a good ole c section...barf but i got my other wish. boy did i. if my mother in law knew about nurney shed disown me. please dont tell!!! the lady almost died and made fun of me for nursing her at ten months!! i can just hear her now "does she bite you" nurneys been good. my child is healthy and my child and i have an insane bond because of this. im her number one and i love it. lucky for me i got la leache league in my corner. oh and lets not forget the african american women in zambobway with one tiddy hangin out of her rag dress and a six year old lached on. you go girl. the sad thing is that breast milk is the only food her child has. my child would take breast milk over apple juice in a heart beat. shes NEVER tried real milk. but sereously who wants to drink from a shitty cow tit its like poop and horemones. nurney is like nothing i can ever explain and i dont expect you to understand, because you have to experience it to know. ive heard it dubbed "knock out juice" because it relaxes the child and puts them to sleep. its like medicine too. arden will fall and run to me going "nurney" and she feels better. so yeah, im on a nurney leash. somedays i want to pull my hair out. somedays i love it. last summer i went through hell to wean her. it didnt work. not for a second. you think taking a bottle away is hard??? try a boob. so i refused her and she was banging her head on the wall and screaming bloddy murder. so i try "they are broken" and two bandaids and shes like tearing them off to get to her delicious feast. tried viniger and that didnt work. so ladies i gave up. i was distressing my child emotionally. so im praying she will grow out of it. nurneys the name. i will feed nations during the second coming. good stuff. i think if arden had hair it would make it weird for me....but my little bald one is like my new born baby. people ask me when im gunna have another and im like are you sereous??? breastfeed and preggers. whats next gain 500 pounds and start watching maury with a bag of doritos??? no thanks. im not getting another "parasite" (as my amazing father dubed it) sucking on my boob. I can just see me toppin arden off before school and then puttin little beau jr on as i wish her good luck on the first day. good hell. a few people know about a little girl called arden who has nurney....now an entire handfull do. so call me crazy and if you dont like it you can eat a turd. AND GOD SAID LET THEM HAVE NURNEY. AND THEY HAD NURNEY.