the ax forgets, the tree remembers
i have debated for a long time if i wanted to go into my history and my past experience with "child birth"
i read the above a feew weeks ago, and it made me cry
i am the tree
i was cut open, and no i never forgot
the birth of my daughter was the most traumatizing experience of my life so far
my doctor didnt remember me years later when he removed my iud
he is the ax



its my hope to have a vbac
this birth, the birth of my son, is to be my healing birth
i know there is a better way to give birth, and for me it cant be in a hospital
i used to think hospitals were safe
that they cared
guess what? they dont
they are a business, get em in, get em out
"cut em, they can never sue you for that"
my c-cetion was because of failure to progress
(failure to dialate on their watch)
they wanted me outta there...so they cut me.
they took my baby from me, when she was not ready
i was not ready
call me crazy
maby i am
i wont go back

SIX YEARS AGO
i married beau.
after all the pictures and wedding fluff ended
we sought out on our honeymoon...me and my beau the rose.
packed up my red suitcase (that we shared)
beau has scnce learned never to share a suitcase with me and my amzing ways with uNoRgANazAtIoN
-IM GOOD AT THAT
we always go to california because this is where our first love SpArKs flew back in 03
beau got strep, i got a pair of sparkly shoes for a bargin price
we drove his moms vw bug and i took pictures of the desert
our tradition was to get ice cream at every place we stopped
him:mocha
me:rasberry sherbet
we have only missed one year of our little trip and that was the "pregnant with arden /barfy summer"
this year.....
we rode up in a van
with my dear parents and miss baby
she peed on the side of the road every 15 miles, and my mom told us stories of her crazy upbringing
my dad switched hotel rooms four times, because hes a bit of a perfectionist
and we slept in....i rummaged through my clothes each morning and threw pregnant fits before we went out each morning
disney land....
was perfect. arden was a spoiled little turd.
she just had to have the 65.00 bell dress, shoes and wig
(all my parents doing)-thats like groceries for a week m-kay
beau puked in the bushes, my dad pretended to have fun,
and me and my mom were inseparable the entire time. by the time we left i felt like someone had beaten me...i was so tired.

 ten days.ten days that i will always have a memory of. it was the best, and i miss every second of it.

forever-21 has maternity now...

what else can i say?

i spent $ 50.00

on motherhood maternity jeans

and then found these babies (see picture above) for

a woppin $13.80

holy crap!

this is enough to make me have

ten babies

did i tell you i made the skanky girls working

take this pair off a maniquin...

(yeah i do that sometimes)

pissed her off,

she had to stop blowing bubbles and talking

to the gay guy

and help the pregnant boring person :)

im excited to be not pregnant

and a little sad

because truthfully this may be my last go

i will now tell you a few things i will miss about

being a beast

1. cleaning cds with my bellie

2.setting a cerial bowl on my bellie and eating like a wild animal on the coutch

(making weird breathing noises)

3.my weird bellie-button

4. beau rubbing my bellie, arden kisses

5.eating what i crave, getting my food way always

i will not miss....

1.feeling like a lame knocked up utard

2.looking like a fat a

3.yelling at people at the maternity stores

4. sleeping all crazy at night, because i think

im smashing his head all the time

5.grunting

6.my thys...

i would write more...

but

ardens eating popcorn with katchup and i need to get in on this before its all gone

word to yo mutha

spent aweek

at the beach

pix comming soon....

no jelly beans for emily

went into the ob office to

take my glucose tolerance test

(the test for gestational diabetes)

zzzzzzzzzzz......i know....

 my dr. said i could eat a snicker bar

(instead of the disgusting orange sugar crap) when i told her i didnt want the test

so i arrive at the lab, candy in hand....and the lab teck

says "no way lady"

and something to the tune of "WE DONT DO THAT"

so he tells me i can do special jelly beans instead

and im thinking...ok ok a handfull of lime jelly beans...

i can handle that, my baby can handle that.

boy was i freakin wrong

the nurse...lets call her big wilma, she takes me

into the hallway like a naughty school child

and informs me that i have to

eat an entire bag of jellybeans

and she has to watch me eat them

bullshit.

i gave big wilma a piece of my mind

after that i went and bought a stretchy skirt and called

my mother

and she informed me that she nor any woman in my family has had this

thankyouverryeffinmuch.

when i go to the hospital

im like jessy james

im billythefreekin kid

im the antichrist

because

i question everything

its my body

its my baby

your not getting me the second time around

this time im in control

this picture remindes me of someone i know....
someone little and cute and crazy on a tricycle
not saying any names or anything....it just does.....

popcicle june

its been a pretty fab summer
i LIVE in my swiming suit
arden too
just downed four popcicles
ardens on her third...no idea whats for dinner...
we walk around the lil sugarhood in the mornings
and eat weird things for lunch
like....hotdogs on kabob stix
and smoothies with broccoli hidden in them
arden is the brownest i have ever seen her
we are at her kiddy pool daily
or hittin up the publikkkk
pool where i show off my bikini bellie
all the utard moms stare :)

i have good shock value
im due in ten pretty weeks...or shall i say he is due
still crappin my pants that im getting another
for today ThIS SeCoNd
....give me popcicles.

i grew up watching this

because of my 80's sisters

and i love it

this week

i have been waddling

and having

too many

braxton hicks

made beau buy me

hostess cupcakes last night

ate them bouncing on a birthing ball

making loud breathing noises

i was up all night dreaming of

childbirth

what am i gunna wear?

think i might go "native"

and just wear my birthday suit

just because...why not?

hmmmmm....

we'll see

it would be a lie if i told you how far i am into being preg-a-nent

im not 100% sure....i quit counting...

as far as i know, i have 12 weeks left maby??

i feel like a beast :)

thats the only way i can put it!

so far tho,

zero strechmarks

no more throwin up

and yes i still do cartwheels

i dont know if ive said...but

we are having a lil boy...

and i look forward to  delivery day

my plan is to go natural meaning NO DRUGS, NO IV'S NO FETAL MONITORING....NOTHING

and for me that is the best way

My hypnobabies has me prepared as much as i can be

for now today..

i love food

i love feeling him move

i love arden waking up and kissing my bellie

each morning

and, i need water every second

or...hot cheetoes (these rock my world)

i know when its all over

 i will miss this pregnant thing

i need to plant sunflowers.
sunflowers are the answer to everything
and maby when they grow, everything will be ok.

oh my goodness

i love this picture so much

ps: we say goodness...because gosh is bad. somehow shes convinced its a swear word...and now when i say gosh, i feel guilty

i dont know how i will be able to love another little one
as much as i love this one
but i know the second my little man is born....that
my heart will be full.
today i feel.....
a little scared and very
excited...taking advantage of sleep...because i know that soon...in three small months my life will never be the same.

my dryer is tits up...thats emily for broken
its been weeks 
thing is..i have one downstairs thats freed up in a month....so i shall wait
in the mean time i go to this RAD LITTLE 70'S LOOKING
laundrymat
arden plays with the hood children and i drink sprites and read random articles on how to de-clutter smal spaces
its 2 blocks from my house next to this cute little tattoo parlor. when i am here...i feel so happy....i may never get a dryer back...this is just too fun
"DONT CALL ME EMILY, RIGHT NOW IM MISS STATIC ELECTRICITY"-

i want to have a water birth....it makes so much sense for me to have my baby in water. im a mermaid...thats all there is to it. found out today that the birthing center in salt lake is closed...so im opting for home birth. its all i can think about. birthing my little man in water.  

last week i had a dream that i was crossing the street
i was downtown by my house, and a homeless man wouldnt let me by
my little one was in my arms, and i had tears running down my cheeks.

when i finally got home i found dozens of homeless people on my porch. they had gotten out all my paintings on canvas and painted what they wanted over them.
my paintings
i shooed them away and began scrubbing the new paint off the canvas...in hopes to get back what was once there.
i never got it back.

birthing my baby in a place like this....in my head...its my special place
in hypnobabies they teach you to go to your special place when your in labor
some girls have a beach...or a cozy luxurious room...
im having my baby inside a flower

four months
and i feel great! ok so sereously my emotions are funny right now...i cry over nothing. last night i was crying about how much i love my mom. i was in my bed and it was 1am...beau is a little freaked out...oh and lets not forget when i cried over the figure skating on tv during the olimpics. im dead sereous when i tell you i said "its like they are making love on ice"-through tears. these horemones are so weird!
   what else? started Hypnobabies class last week! we love love love it. yes...i am going 100% natural during childbirth and loving preparing myself and beau for it. arden is used to the cds in the car and frequently falls asleep to the hypnosis tracks:) love that.
  Broke down this week and went on a "maternity clothes" shopping spree. it was fun! and lets face it, it was time. forever 21 is a gift from the gods because i found tons of shirts perfect for my growing bellie. jeans are next...dreading that..need to find skinny jeans asap.
 i am 4 months along....and wondering where time has gone?? we have our second apt with my new (amazing) doctor (love HER) on april fools day! we hope to find out the sex for sure. she said last time and i quote "looks like a boy to me, but wait to buy blue" i cant even tell you how big the smile was on beaus face :)
i'll keep you poasted

three and in love

my little one

upon awakening

refuses her cerial

and requests chips n cheese

my little one loves this

little summer dress

and refuses to wear anything but

it melts my heart

we have puppies

three are sold and go next week

sweety is our runt

and ardens best friend

they sleep together they eat together

they do EVERYTHING together

how will we ever let her go??

arden thinks she is a toy

i'll catch her walking with her

holding her by one arm

like a rag doll!

oh boy

she only plays with sweety

the other three dont exist

what am i to do

when her best friend is gone?

i

feel

so bad

TODAY IS MY margot tEneNbAuM day

I LOVE HER

SHE IS FABULOUS

BECAUSE

SHE LOCKS HERSELF IN HER BATHROOM

AND WATCHES TV

AND

SMOKES CIGARETTES

I DID THIS TODAY

MY FRIEND WATCHED ARDEE SO I COULD

BE SICK (BLECK)

SO I CARRIED MY MINI

TV

INTO THE BATHROOM AND

WATCHED

THE HOURS

I AM GOOD AT LIVING IN MY BATHTUB

VERY

VERY GOOD

I EAT HERE

I READ HERE

IF I SMOKED I'D GET LIT HERE

(I DONT)

I LOVE MY TUB

MARGOT....HERES TO YOU

just to paint you a picture

i refuse to puke in toilets

who wants to hurl...

then look over and see

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

pee and poop

or a friggin

pube?

not me

so i puke all over my house

this old watercolor painting

seemed to say

eMiLy

right

now

today

  

ps: i ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans

today